I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
