im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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