Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
