I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
