I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
