i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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