I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
