my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Farmville is her only friend.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
