Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
