He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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