I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
