Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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