I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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