It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
