I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
