Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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