she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
