well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
