If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
