Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Mom said you looked used
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
