Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
