Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
