M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
