thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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