I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
