then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
