4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
