How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
