You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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