I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
