Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
