Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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