update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
