I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
