There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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