she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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