mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
