omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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