I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
