im having a threesome with these popsicles
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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