I hate all girls vehemently.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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