oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
