An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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