dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
