Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
