Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
