just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
