Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
