My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
