Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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