i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
